I find myself thinking to myself quite often. At time I wonder where I will be in the next few years. Will I be successful? Will I have everything I have ever dreamed of? And that is the part that worries me. I dream to much. But it’s all I have to hold on to. Life has been poor to me. I don’t know what else to hang on to. 

Sometimes I have dreams about me trying conceive. Weird as it is I could not conceive. I ended up growing into a lonely old woman because I was not able to bring forth life, and my husband (in my dream) left me for a more suitable wife. 

I find myself waking up from this nightmare very often and crying for several minute wondering why I’m still having these dreams, when will they stop?

Peace will not find me, it hasn’t in all my 19 years, why would it in the future? What was I meant for…..probably nothingness.

  And there is the man I love. I’ve never loved so strongly. But he hurts me emotionally. I can’t even think of having a future with him because he wont allow me to think it. If I lost him, I’d lose everything. 

He doesn’t understand that all I want is for us to be together. I just want to be his Wife. I want to take care of him. I also want to be in control. In fact I want the kind of control his Mother has. 

I envy her. I’m jealous. It’s silly, but I am. I want to be able to drive, and spend money, and make my own plans. I want to be in charge of many things. But I feel like my man treats me like a feeble mouse. 

I’ve already felt week and feeble my whole life. People have always been controlling me. I need to find a way to the top, or if there is a God so help me please. 

Just make me amazing. Make beautiful. Make me a Wife, and Mother. I just want these things please! 

If not anything, at least find a way to get into my man’s head and tell him to loosen his grip on his controlling ways…. What do I do… I feel like I am so helpless. 

Every day the misery gets worse and worse. 

I am broken. No one can save me anymore. No one.

The grass is drenched with tears from the sky, it makes her feel as if her feet were put into a puddle.

The cold air goes right through her coat, she feels nothing but her own heart beating.

She eats the food prepared for her on the table. The food goes down; it only makes her fat and sick. So she chooses not to eat, she’d rather starve.

Longing to be married she wonders if he will ever ask. It gets pointless to wait anymore.

Someone else comes into the picture. He chooses her over the girl. She sits back and watches as he pampered and she becomes nothing more than lonely girl she was when she was young.

She calls her mom in hope that she can cheer her up, but then remember that that is useless, for her mom doesn’t care for her as she does care for her mom.

The people on the train look at her, she only sees how painful their lives are or were.

Sometimes she feels as if she is falling, but it is more clear in her dreams. When will she really fall?

The air is poluted with voices, yet her own voice is to soft to be recognized.

She holds on to the pillow for comfort, it doesn’t hug her back, she feels even more alone.

It rains again, and she cries. The tears are covered, just as she is.

He says not to hope for anything, she loses all hope and slowly dies.

She looks longily for a way out every minute of every day.

Cutting her finger, she realizes that the pain isn’t that bad.

Many have gone before. So she thinks that she will be gone too.

Man-kind kills of animals and pushes them to extinction, she wonders why tigers don’t put Man-kind to extinction.

Her heart races when she looks at him.

He doesn’t notice, she is alone.

She thinks it’s time to leave forever, for her heart has grown cold like the morning dew.

Nobody will miss her, they wont have a clue.

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